How To Handle Conflicts (And How NOT To Handle Conflicts)

Some ways of dealing with conflict don't work.

Competition

When we see ourselves as having to struggle against other people to get what we need, it makes us see other people as enemies and work against them. This usually makes them struggle back. It leads them to mistrust us, and us to mistrust them. As was said, "When we see the world as a jungle, it becomes a jungle."

When we think we have to fight against everyone (and by fighting we don't mean punching--it can be arguing, or even passive-aggressive manipulation) it becomes true, because, as often as not, they feel they have to fight back.

People doing this usually believe that if someone else is getting something, that means they're losing out on something themselves.

Capitulation

The other thing that doesn't work is just giving in. We usually do this because we want to keep the relationship good, and are trying to avoid hard feelings. However, when we see how easy it was for the other person to let us give in, it usually results in our getting upset, resentful, and mistrustful of the other person, even though we're the one who gave in! Rather than helping the relationship, it also makes it worse.

And it makes the other person more likely to expect us to back down again the next time--which means it becomes even harder to get what we need.

These people also think they have to give up what they want in order to give someone else what they want.

Compromise

Believe it or not, compromise usually doesn't help either. Combining the worst parts of conflict and capitulation, compromise could be called when, "Both people give up a little of what they want so that nobody ends up happy."

People compromising usually still think that everything someone else gets means something they have to lose, and so every inch of who gets what is struggled over, leading to the same kind of problems for the relationship that Capitulation and Conflict cause.

So if Conflict, Capitulation, and Compromise all don't work, what does work?

Cooperation

This is a fundamental change in attitude about how we see conflict. Instead of thinking, "If I give other people what they want, it means giving up what I want," it says, "I believe that, in most cases, a solution can be reached that can help everyone get what they really want."

Instead of saying, "I just have to think about myself," it says, "The other person here is just as much of a person as I am, and what they need is just as important. I should try as hard to help them get what they want as I would try to get something for myself."

Now this may seem hard if you focus on "What" people say they want--This is called their position. For example, a child might want mom to take them to the arcade, but mom might want to go to the gym. Looking at their positions, it seems impossible to do both. At best, they might find a compromise and mom only goes to the gym for half the time, and takes him to the arcade for a couple quick games.

But was there a better solution?

In order to find out, it helps if you focus on "Why" they want it--their fundamental interests. In this case, Mom's been trying to lose weight to win a contest at work, She's gone to the gym every day this week, and she doesn't want to break her streak.

But when she asks the child why he wants to go to the arcade, he says, "You've been gone every night this week. I just want to spend time with you."

So the gym wasn't really about the gym--it was about getting fit. And the arcade wasn't really about the arcade--it was about spending time with Mom.

They decide to go play Frisbee at the park. That way, Mom gets her exercise in, and the child gets to play with Mom--everybody's getting everything they want!

Only this way strengthens relationships instead of hurting them, and helps people get what they want more often than any of the other ways.

To make this work:

1. You have to really want to help the other person find a solution as much as you want a solution for yourself. You can't just want enough for them to get them by. You really have to be as committed to finding them a solution as you are for yourself, otherwise it's too easy to give up too soon, or settle for less for them as long as you're getting what you want.

2. You have to be relatively flexible. Remember the difference between "positions" and "interests" and don't get so caught up in arguing over your "position" that you reject solutions that would meet all of your interests.

3. You have to understand what the other person's interests are as well as you understand your own. Do you really understand what the other person wants? Or have you just made assumptions about what the other person wants? Usually we just assume things, and, most often, we assume the worst. For example, if an employee doesn't want to work late, a manager will usually just "assume" it's because they're lazy or they're trying to see what they can get away with (We do this because, by assuming negative motivations for another person, it becomes easier for us to justify not helping them get what they want and still think of ourselves as nice people). Finding out their real interests is about communication, not assumption.

4. Attack problems, not people. Don't be either defensive or reactive. Try to do and say things that will both strengthen the relationship and help solve the problem. Personal attacks--even if made defensively--only detract and derail discussion. If you're trying to change anybody or make them want something different than what they already want, you're going to be banging your head against a wall.

The Two Levels Of Leadership Training

There are two levels to "Leadership" training.

The first is attributes. That's who you are.

The second is technique. That's what you do.

So any leadership training would have to focus on both levels.to have two-level leadership training. You deal partly with what a leader needs to be, and partly with what a leader can do.

I see it kind of like this--if you want to build buildings, there are two levels to what you have to learn.

First, you've got the principles of construction. Where do you put support structures? How much support do certain weights need? What types of materials are best in what situations? Knowing this stuff is what makes you a builder.

From there, you also learn how to use the tools. How to use a screwdriver, how to use a hammer, how to use the nails.

But if I want to be a true builder, it has to go in that order. The knowledge of how to use the tools is useless before I've learned the principles. I might be the best in the world with a screwdriver, but if I don't know how many support beams to put in a wall--or, even worse, if I don't know when to use a screwdriver and when to use a hammer--it still won't help. And I'll likely fall into the trap of trying to use a screwdriver for all my building needs.

For example, I see a seminar on "Offering Constructive Feedback" to be the "Technique" side of things. It's "tools." It's good, and it's necessary, but if it's not grounded in correct principles and sincerity, it's not going to work.

The purpose of the leadership training should be principle based. It's about the ideas that help you know when to use which tools.

And, just as importantly, about being the kind of person who can do it. In the analogy, that means being a builder. Or in this case, being a leader.

It's like I've discovered about my struggles with my weight. It was, in the end, less about the "tool" than it was about the sincerity and the effort behind what I was doing. When I really, really meant what I was doing, almost anything I tried would work. When I didn't really mean it, nothing did.

Telling a poor leader the right words to say when giving feedback can be just as ineffective as telling a CSR who doesn't care about his customers to smile more and giving them a cheerful script. It won't improve the way they're being received, because, deep down, their heart isn't in the right place. The pasted-on smile or cutesy script won't change that.

So "being"-type training--the things that focus on who a leader is--would be just as important as "doing" training that teaches skills or other tools.
When I hear someone say that "Attribute" training is too theoretical, I worry. Because it means they're probably focused on results at any cost. They just want to know what to say to make everything come out the way they want. They want the magic tool.

And that makes them forget that other people have things they want, too, and that some costs are too high, and that you can never force greatness. Because ultimately, results-at-any-cost isn't true leadership. It's bullying or emotionally blackmailing and short-sighted.

If you want specifics, one that springs to mind is trust. I've really come to believe that any problem that two people have, whether it's a CSR and a customer, an area manager and one of their store managers, or even a husband and wife, or parent and child, can usually be broken down on some level to a problem with trust.

The symptom might be something else ("My manager is giving that CSR more hours than me!") but at it's heart, it's a trust issue ("I no longer trust my manager to look out for my best interests.").

So the attribute would be twofold:

1. Giving the other person all the reasons in the world to trust you.

• Recognizing that trust is not automatic, and that we have to give others reasons to trust us.
• Not making commitments you can't follow through on.
• Sometimes making commitments and keeping them that have no business benifit, but for the sole reason of giving them another reason to trust you.
• Being careful about what you do and say about others around people, lest they worry what you do and say about them when they're not around.
• Being very open about where employees stand, how they're progressing, what our plans for them are, etc.
• Creating goals and plans together, and then working together for common goals.

2. Finding all the reasons we can to trust them. (Not in a Pollyanna-ish, naive way, but by:)

• Soliciting feedback frequently, so we're not in doubt as to their thoughts
• Creating an environment in which they are comfortable offering us feedback, so they can tell us what they're really thinking, not just what we want to hear.
• Not just assuming the worst when problems arise, but sincerely trying to figure out their motivations and point of view, and even eliciting the facts before jumping to conclusions
• Creating goals and plans together, and then working together for those common goals.